As I'm sure many of you are aware, a cultish section of Christians believed that the rapture was actually going to happen today. If you aren't aware, go google it. I'll wait.
Ready? Ok, so to sum up: they believed that Jesus was going to come along the world, starting in Asia at 6:00 pm, lifting up the faithful and righteous to heaven as he went, traveling with the timezones. Massive earthquakes would follow in his wake. It would be a shaky death-filled bonanza, where the righteous would be accepted into the bosom of the lord (I bet God has a great rack) and the faithful would endure 153 days of Hell on earth, right before God flicked the lights out on the world. Of course, none of this has happened today. I shall shed my terse, hilarious opinions on this with much glee. Here we go!
1. Jesus is the vacuum Santa Claus to the faithful.
Think about it. Jesus is traveling the world in one day, flying across the sky. No speeches, no trumpeting angels, no seven headed beast rising out of the sea. Instead, he just sucks up the goodie goodie Christians up to heaven. Woosh. Nice to know Jesus sucks, I wonder if he swallows?
2. The start taking place at the pacific rim is kind of obvious.
That just seems opportunistic and stupid. I mean, how many mini earthquakes happen all around the ring of fire each year? Many. According to this site, 21533 occurred in 2010. 173 of those were of magnitude 6.0 or greater, which are considered to be more dangerous. Lots of the big ones occur in the pacific rim, also known as the ring of fire, famous for its tectonic shifts. Very rarely do huge ones occur in places like Haiti. So starting it in the ring of fire? I think they were trying to get lucky.
Of course, as I write this, Iceland's biggest volcano has just erupted, causing 50 small quakes. Of course, the volcano is named Grimsvotn, which would make me believe Ragnarok is coming rather than the rapture. Also, it is Iceland's most active volcano. Whatever, moving on.
3. The Rapture would take place exactly 7000 years to the day after the flood
Get real. Numerologists have tried for literally thousands of years to find patterns in the Bible predicting whatever, but have come up very, very wrong.
4. Camping has been silent about the lack of rapture
He also made $80 million in donations from his fanatical followers. He is nowhere to be found. Coincidence? I think not.
5. Matthew 24:36
"But about that day or hour no one knows, not even the angels in heaven, nor the Son, but only the Father "
Even the Bible says that man cannot predict the end of the world. As such, no Christian should be egotistical enough to predict the end of the world if they take the word of the Bible as law.
6. Ragnarok will be cooler
The Fimbulvetr (Mighty winter) shall be upon the nine worlds, and Midgard and Asgard will be plunged into chaos and war. Loki will break free his chains and set loose his brood against the world. The great wolves that are his children will devour the sun and the moon, plunging the world into darkness. The gods shall do battle, and most will die. The great sea will plunge into the earth, and Jormungandr, the great serpent that encircles the world, will plunge forth with it, raining his venom and destruction across the land. The great sea shall swallow the world, and that will be the end.
Until, of course, the seas retreat and the surviving humans (two of them) and the gods repopulate the earth.
I like that version better.
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